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Every so often, I see people share on social media how they had a unique or perhaps traumatizing life experience that they would like to write about, but they don’t really know where to get started. While I am no Mary Karr (author of The Art of Memoir if you aren’t familiar with her. Definitely worth reading if you are thinking about putting your experiences into words. Pick up your copy from Bookshop.org or Amazon.com), I have been working on writing my own memoir for the past decade.
I know that may sound like a long time, but writing a memoir is fucking hard. Aside from getting the actual words down, which requires finding the time to do it, and then reliving the experience(s), it’s also about doing justice to the actual topic, while also having a lesson to convey (I mean if there’s no lesson to be had, what’s the point in talking about it anyways?).
About six years into writing my memoir, I realized it was coming out way angrier than I wanted to portray. So I needed to walk away to do some emotional work before I could continue. And even after that, sometimes it’s hard to know when the story should actually end. I mean, I’m writing about my life here, which considering I’m still breathing means that I – just like the memoir itself – am a work in progress. Sometimes, it’s hard to see where the logical conclusion belongs.
So yea, if you are serious about wanting to write your story, just know that it will probably take time and require patience with yourself. And not only is that okay, but in fact, learning that kind of patience can be healing unto itself. Now, if you are seeking to write your memoir quickly, I’m probably not your person. I’m more interested in doing it right and exploring the emotional healing aspects of it. And honestly, if you feel called to write a memoir in the first place, most likely you have been grappling with memories that probably aren’t going to go away, even if it takes you a while. So what’s the rush? Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and neither does writing a memoir.
Okay, so how to get started…
1. Just start writing.
I know that might sound annoying if you were expecting something earth shattering. But the truth is that you don’t need any special skills or knowledge to start right now writing down what you know. If you want to write a memoir, chances are that you already have memories that haunt you, playing on repeat in your head, so get them down on paper (or in a Google Doc or what-have-you). You’ve got to remember what your middle school English teacher taught you to do; write a rough draft first. Your first draft will be trash. No really – it will be. I mean it. That’s okay. But you can’t edit nothing, so it’s better to have something. Just get started. In fact, my husband likes to tell me that if I feel like it’s garbage at first, then that means I’m probably doing it right.
2. Don’t just tell, show.
This can be one of the more challenging aspects for a newer writer to get right, so just do the best you can. Like I said above, you can edit later. But what does it mean to show not tell? It means that you’re going to have to do the hard work of putting yourself back into the scene and describing everything that you can recall: what you saw, what you heard, what you felt, and even what you tasted or smelled. The first three senses are probably the easiest, but don’t underestimate how captivating a descriptive smell or taste can be for the reader. Now, is it possible to overdo descriptive writing? Oh sure, but to be honest, most beginning writers err on the side of telling without showing, and therefore fail to engage the reader in a meaningful way. So I say go ham with the descriptions. Set the scene the best you can. You can always cut things out later, and I’d much rather work with too much than not enough. Imagine that writing a memoir is kind of like making a sculpture. You can always chisel away more bits, but you have to have something to work with. Fortunately, it is a whole hell of a lot easier to add more words than to add a chunk of marble that’s been chipped off. So my point is, be liberally descriptive so you can build the base you’ll be working with. But don’t stress too much either way.
3. Read other memoirs.
How are you going to expect yourself to write an effective memoir if you don’t know what a good one (or bad one for that matter) looks like? You must read memoirs, so that you can start to see what other writers have done well that you’d like to emulate and what other writers have done poorly that you’d like to steer clear of. So no, they don’t need to be memoirs that are like yours. Just pick up a memoir, any memoir, to start. And then start thinking about what’s good and not so good about it.
4.Try to get words on the page as honestly as you can, without worrying what others will think.
This one can be really hard, especially if you are writing about something where your role may be perceived as less than savory by some. But it’s important to get it down. I think it’s important to realize that if you are feeling called to write a memoir in the first place, it is because at some level of yourself, you feel a desire for your experience to be heard by others. And that desire to be heard really is a desire to be healed. My point is that the very act of writing your book is emotionally healing. Therefore, it is important simply to put your struggles into words. Damn it all if anyone ever reads it or not. I know that isn’t what any aspiring writer wants to hear, but the truth is that if you truly want to write, you have to do it firstly for you. When we begin to let those deep dark secrets outside of ourselves, we are releasing the memories that we’ve been holding onto. We are beginning to let go of our shame, which takes away the power of the memories. If it seems too scary, then sometimes reassuring yourself that “this is my first draft. No one has to see it” can help. Just get it out, and sit with it for a while. It doesn’t have to go anywhere. No one has to read it until you are ready. But it is important to get it out for yourself. And if you really can’t get it out, then write about something else for a while.
5. When you can’t, journal.
Journaling can be a low pressure way for you to start getting your ideas down. Sometimes it’s hard to convince ourselves when trying to write a rough draft that it’s only for our eyes. But there is something liberating in journaling, knowing that it truly is for your eyes only. So this can be a great place to start when the memoir writing isn’t coming. Also, like I said, writing a memoir can often take much longer than we think it will when we set out (hello, ten years over here!). In the meantime, a great deal of healing can take place. Therefore, writing a journal now can help you with remembering things that you’d like to cover later (or maybe that you may realize at a later date need to be covered).
6. Go at your own pace.
I know I talked about this above, but it bears repeating because it is that important. When you are writing a memoir, it is often because something has been haunting you, and often there can be a great deal of shame surrounding those memories. Shame is the lowest vibration emotion, and we do everything we can in our power to avoid it. That emotion can prevent us from sharing what we need to share. Memoirists must remember that we are writing firstly for ourselves. We are writing the book that we wish we had when we were going through the experience the first time. So, do it for yourself. But sometimes you have to take a break to clear your head. It’s okay to walk away. Just observe how you’re feeling, journal about it, and keep doing the best you can. You’ve got this, and I believe in you.
So tell me, what experience are you trying to write about? What tip do you find most helpful? What challenges do you still have? Leave me a note! I’d love to connect.
Lisa Futscher 